the precise moment i think my path has been defined, everything shifts, and a new route appears.
i had spent the last two weeks absolutely convinced that i was going to stay in miami to finish my degree after quitting the ad school. while i was incredibly happy to have the opportunity to spend time with my friends & family, i must admit that i was mildly disheartened. i thought that my hard work had gone unnoticed by my school& my classmates alike and that i was simply going to have to "do it" on my own.
i had convinced myself that summer in new york would be unbearable & that i was lucky to not have to cope with the scorching heat (and no air conditioner, natch). i had almost become comfortable with having to stay with my parents and eased my ailing ego with the reassurance that i'd be saving money by living in miami. i thought i had made a thoroughly responsible decision in my compromise.
the strangest things happen when you least expect it...
i received a call this afternoon, inviting me to intern at a small agency in new york with a guy who (quite frankly) rocks. he works. HARD.
with my rent paid for 3 months and $1000 going towards my tuition, there was no way i could say no.
the mess is moving to the city for 3 months, kids.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
spindle
i think of him
every moment i shouldn't
find myself longing to tangle my hands
in his dark hair
til it curls around me like vines
crawling over my body
til i'm cocooned
like sleeping beauty
in her castle of brambles
every moment i shouldn't
find myself longing to tangle my hands
in his dark hair
til it curls around me like vines
crawling over my body
til i'm cocooned
like sleeping beauty
in her castle of brambles
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
london lives, pt.1. mind the gap
there is something innately british about the careful, polite distance people keep from each other.
every morning, i cram myself into a crowded train bound for central london, surrounded by people pretending to be immersed in their papers. each rider seems petrified of raising their persistent gazes for even a second. the slightest nudge when the trains departs elicits a mumbled apology directed at the floor. i'm constantly swimming in a reticent sea of sorrys.
standing in such close proximity requires keeping a heedful radius from each individual's personal space, but people seem to behave as if no-one else exists. it's perplexing...
my englishness is manifested in my constant, quiet politeness... and it's magnified now i'm back.
even the americans i've met (all foreigners, really) adopt a calculated stance of true britishness. they keep people at arms' length and converse in the lilting speech patterns that are so alien to their cultures, sounding colonial even through their far more exotic accents. their voices move up and down in a steady, predictable rhythm, like the sounds of my morning train on the tracks. conversations are peppered liberally with respectful apologies where none are needed. it just all comes across as being so impersonal to me.
this is the first time i've been really alone in almost ten years. departed from everyone i love, i find myself becoming more and more detached. the space between us widens and i'm left oddly calmed by this lack of intimacy.
the gap is becoming less of a menace and more of a comfort.
every morning, i cram myself into a crowded train bound for central london, surrounded by people pretending to be immersed in their papers. each rider seems petrified of raising their persistent gazes for even a second. the slightest nudge when the trains departs elicits a mumbled apology directed at the floor. i'm constantly swimming in a reticent sea of sorrys.
standing in such close proximity requires keeping a heedful radius from each individual's personal space, but people seem to behave as if no-one else exists. it's perplexing...
my englishness is manifested in my constant, quiet politeness... and it's magnified now i'm back.
even the americans i've met (all foreigners, really) adopt a calculated stance of true britishness. they keep people at arms' length and converse in the lilting speech patterns that are so alien to their cultures, sounding colonial even through their far more exotic accents. their voices move up and down in a steady, predictable rhythm, like the sounds of my morning train on the tracks. conversations are peppered liberally with respectful apologies where none are needed. it just all comes across as being so impersonal to me.
this is the first time i've been really alone in almost ten years. departed from everyone i love, i find myself becoming more and more detached. the space between us widens and i'm left oddly calmed by this lack of intimacy.
the gap is becoming less of a menace and more of a comfort.
Friday, May 05, 2006
shift
i find myself longing for different things now. for years, i had experienced the deep ache of wanderlust. all i could think of was getting away. while, even now, i always seem to be planning my next trip, that deep ache has transformed into a dull throb that is completely unfulfilled by my nomadlife.
what i long for now... is people. interaction. a challenge, an intimacy.
i find myself speaking less and less, commiting long passages to emails and instant messages instead of getting drunk on conversation in person.
i love this city, i love the fact that i get to come back. i love that i get to fool myself into thinking that every quarter is a fresh start for me.
but why am i not making more of it? what do i find myself so confined to my cold basement flat, unable to meet people, to interact, to speak even?
what i long for now... is people. interaction. a challenge, an intimacy.
i find myself speaking less and less, commiting long passages to emails and instant messages instead of getting drunk on conversation in person.
i love this city, i love the fact that i get to come back. i love that i get to fool myself into thinking that every quarter is a fresh start for me.
but why am i not making more of it? what do i find myself so confined to my cold basement flat, unable to meet people, to interact, to speak even?
Monday, April 10, 2006
unstill
i feel tempted to leave
to pack everything up and disappear without a trace
to abandon everything i've been working for over the past year and a half
i get this itch more frequently than i should probably admit
it's a common pattern in my brief history
quitting just before i actually finish something
because i become consumed by doubt
swallowed whole
until i'm left trembling in its wake
to pack everything up and disappear without a trace
to abandon everything i've been working for over the past year and a half
i get this itch more frequently than i should probably admit
it's a common pattern in my brief history
quitting just before i actually finish something
because i become consumed by doubt
swallowed whole
until i'm left trembling in its wake
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
here is london, giddy london, is it home of the free or what?
being in london requires a morrissey quote. really. i remember listening to the smiths exclusively the summer i spent here when i was 20. imagine a brooding girl with pale skin and short flaming red hair, sulking and stomping through the streets mouthing the lyrics to "there is a light that never goes out." really. i was a charicature of myself those days.
so, i had a brief reprise to my miami madness after returning temporarily midmarch. i felt stuck in an alternate universe from the minute i arrived. i realized that it took considerable effort to attempt to adapt to the life that had once been so natural. i believe my mother finally came to terms with the fact that i will not be living there ever again, after she watched me try to squeeze back into my old patterns.
the highlight of my return home was getting to see (and meet) jamie lidell. in faith, i had partially scheduled my trip back to coincide with a show he was playing. i had been listening to 'multiply' since last summer and had heard amazing things about his performance. nothing i had heard could prepare me for what i saw. christ. i am a sucker for performers who really enjoy being onstage, people who laugh and really commit to their art... and jamie lidell had me trembling from head to toe. i was the very front of the crowd and simply stood there for most of the show, slack-jawed and limp. he is easily the most charismatic (and talented) showman i have ever seen. the honey-sweet vocals & blue eyes don't hurt either.
the second highlight of my trip back was getting a clean bill of health. i am lucky enough to have friends who deem my cancer-free bosoms worthy of several toasts. i feel compelled to quote my dear friend johnny...
"you know how in 'a beautiful mind', the guy is a supergenius capable of doing these complex calculations in his head and creating these incredible new theories that no one has thought of before, but the flipside of that is he's got a little bit of a schizophrenic break going on? but it doesn't really matter and he still wins the nobel prize because his brain is so impressive and awe-inspiring? he just has a little cross to bear in exchange for having one of the most phenomenal brains in the world. i guess that's what it's like with your boobs." very sweet, no? exaggerated, but sweet.
i arrived in london & started at saatchi yesterday... only to fall deathly ill with a nasty stomach flu that kept me in bed, groaning, for most of the day. i can only hope that m's impending trip here shall cure me of such ailments.
so, i had a brief reprise to my miami madness after returning temporarily midmarch. i felt stuck in an alternate universe from the minute i arrived. i realized that it took considerable effort to attempt to adapt to the life that had once been so natural. i believe my mother finally came to terms with the fact that i will not be living there ever again, after she watched me try to squeeze back into my old patterns.
the highlight of my return home was getting to see (and meet) jamie lidell. in faith, i had partially scheduled my trip back to coincide with a show he was playing. i had been listening to 'multiply' since last summer and had heard amazing things about his performance. nothing i had heard could prepare me for what i saw. christ. i am a sucker for performers who really enjoy being onstage, people who laugh and really commit to their art... and jamie lidell had me trembling from head to toe. i was the very front of the crowd and simply stood there for most of the show, slack-jawed and limp. he is easily the most charismatic (and talented) showman i have ever seen. the honey-sweet vocals & blue eyes don't hurt either.
the second highlight of my trip back was getting a clean bill of health. i am lucky enough to have friends who deem my cancer-free bosoms worthy of several toasts. i feel compelled to quote my dear friend johnny...
"you know how in 'a beautiful mind', the guy is a supergenius capable of doing these complex calculations in his head and creating these incredible new theories that no one has thought of before, but the flipside of that is he's got a little bit of a schizophrenic break going on? but it doesn't really matter and he still wins the nobel prize because his brain is so impressive and awe-inspiring? he just has a little cross to bear in exchange for having one of the most phenomenal brains in the world. i guess that's what it's like with your boobs." very sweet, no? exaggerated, but sweet.
i arrived in london & started at saatchi yesterday... only to fall deathly ill with a nasty stomach flu that kept me in bed, groaning, for most of the day. i can only hope that m's impending trip here shall cure me of such ailments.
Monday, February 27, 2006
plus one
i turned twenty-seven yesterday. without any fanfare.
a simple dinner out at a great brasserie here in amsterdam started (and ended) my birthday celebrations.
the whole palaver has left me in a bit of a funk.
while the messages from a special few back in miami brightened my rather solemn day, the whole weekend turned out to be a big mess, with more tears shed than i should probably admit.
i have a bit of a health scare and need to see a doctor once i get back to the states to ensure i am alright. i found a lump on friday... which shook me up quite profoundly.
i've had this kind of scare before... and have a family history of such benign annoyances... but having that kind of shock two days before a birthday doesn't start things off on the right foot.
for the first time in years, i feel incredibly alone, which will only be magnified by my impending temporary separation from mathieu. it appears that he will be going to hamburg to intern next quarter and i will be going to london. again, the news of this put me into a terrible mood. i cannot intern, as i had hoped & expected, even though i am a copywriter (note: there is always a shortage of writers at my school and we;re usually placed in agencies without any problem), i seem to be at the bottom of a mythical list. ridiculous. i really thought my work was improving. i have a notoriously tough teacher urging me to send in 2 campaigns to contests & magazines. seniority rules... and i'm still, even after 5 quarters, apparently just a fresh.
a simple dinner out at a great brasserie here in amsterdam started (and ended) my birthday celebrations.
the whole palaver has left me in a bit of a funk.
while the messages from a special few back in miami brightened my rather solemn day, the whole weekend turned out to be a big mess, with more tears shed than i should probably admit.
i have a bit of a health scare and need to see a doctor once i get back to the states to ensure i am alright. i found a lump on friday... which shook me up quite profoundly.
i've had this kind of scare before... and have a family history of such benign annoyances... but having that kind of shock two days before a birthday doesn't start things off on the right foot.
for the first time in years, i feel incredibly alone, which will only be magnified by my impending temporary separation from mathieu. it appears that he will be going to hamburg to intern next quarter and i will be going to london. again, the news of this put me into a terrible mood. i cannot intern, as i had hoped & expected, even though i am a copywriter (note: there is always a shortage of writers at my school and we;re usually placed in agencies without any problem), i seem to be at the bottom of a mythical list. ridiculous. i really thought my work was improving. i have a notoriously tough teacher urging me to send in 2 campaigns to contests & magazines. seniority rules... and i'm still, even after 5 quarters, apparently just a fresh.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
from today's walk...
after venturing out to the albert cuyp market (and being sadly disappointed- let's face it- there is no market in the world like camden market), mathieu and i had a long walk around the city. every day, i'm completely enchanted by amsterdam. i am one lucky meuf.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
dag
it's taken me nine glorious days to get to this. i'm finally in amsterdam... and finally feel at home.
my last few days in miami left me drawn, physically and emotionally. the preparations were not done to completion, but i managed to get myself into a place where i could at least leave without the fear of waking up every morning in a cold sweat. for the first time in my adult life, my parents offered their help in every aspect... and even seemed delighted to assist me. they subdued my substantial fears by assuring me that they would tie up any of my hastily left business without any questions. somehow, this security helped me feel more 'adult' than all of the million other times when they've urged me to conquer adversity and be responsible 'on my own.' i guess part of really coming to terms with adulthood (something that, at almost 27, i still shy away from with mincing steps and girlish tittering) is knowing when to ask for help, even from the people you've come to expect it least.
christmas was spent in the south of france with m's family- lots of food and wine, many tears on my part after feeling i had left without a proper goodbye- then proceeded to austria to go snowboarding. now, i approached the slope with a certain sense of arrogance. i had been a great skier once (no, seriously) and was confident that my balance would serve me well on the board. i spent three days falling down with massive black bruises as battle scars before throwing in the proverbial towel. i actually walked down an entire run, carrying my snowboard, crying miserably in the cold. note to self: next time you decide to take on a new sport, book lessons with a professional instead of relying on the wavering patience of your lover.
upon my arrival in amsterdam, i fell head over heels in love immediately. this city is unbelievably breathtaking and positively humming with life. not buzzing fiendishly like london or new york, or throbbing persistently like miami, it simply sings. the rhythm is steady and intoxicating. it's a clear-headed high, leaving my head thrown back blissfully as the cool, calm night seems to swallow me whole. i never want to leave.
there are surprises found in every narrow street... and every person i've met has been extraordinarily kind, and content, to boot.
one example- a few nights ago, m and i were on our way to meet our classmates at a club. we kept trying to hail a cab, but were unsuccessful. we came across a guy stopped on his bike and asked him where the nearest busy street was so that we could find some transportation into the center of town (note: we live on the perimeter of central amsterdam, in a beautiful open-layout one bedroom in a modern building, WITH a lift. very rare in 'dam). instead of directing us, the gentleman insisted that he call a cab for us, to pick us up. really. after a quick conversation in dutch, he gave us a warm smile and pedaled off, wishing us a happy stay. astounding...
of course, i've had a few teary bouts of homesickness, missing my friends and cat, but the transition to my new life has been surprisingly smooth.
it's reassuring to know that i'm able to start over... and always able to return to all that is familiar.
my last few days in miami left me drawn, physically and emotionally. the preparations were not done to completion, but i managed to get myself into a place where i could at least leave without the fear of waking up every morning in a cold sweat. for the first time in my adult life, my parents offered their help in every aspect... and even seemed delighted to assist me. they subdued my substantial fears by assuring me that they would tie up any of my hastily left business without any questions. somehow, this security helped me feel more 'adult' than all of the million other times when they've urged me to conquer adversity and be responsible 'on my own.' i guess part of really coming to terms with adulthood (something that, at almost 27, i still shy away from with mincing steps and girlish tittering) is knowing when to ask for help, even from the people you've come to expect it least.
christmas was spent in the south of france with m's family- lots of food and wine, many tears on my part after feeling i had left without a proper goodbye- then proceeded to austria to go snowboarding. now, i approached the slope with a certain sense of arrogance. i had been a great skier once (no, seriously) and was confident that my balance would serve me well on the board. i spent three days falling down with massive black bruises as battle scars before throwing in the proverbial towel. i actually walked down an entire run, carrying my snowboard, crying miserably in the cold. note to self: next time you decide to take on a new sport, book lessons with a professional instead of relying on the wavering patience of your lover.
upon my arrival in amsterdam, i fell head over heels in love immediately. this city is unbelievably breathtaking and positively humming with life. not buzzing fiendishly like london or new york, or throbbing persistently like miami, it simply sings. the rhythm is steady and intoxicating. it's a clear-headed high, leaving my head thrown back blissfully as the cool, calm night seems to swallow me whole. i never want to leave.
there are surprises found in every narrow street... and every person i've met has been extraordinarily kind, and content, to boot.
one example- a few nights ago, m and i were on our way to meet our classmates at a club. we kept trying to hail a cab, but were unsuccessful. we came across a guy stopped on his bike and asked him where the nearest busy street was so that we could find some transportation into the center of town (note: we live on the perimeter of central amsterdam, in a beautiful open-layout one bedroom in a modern building, WITH a lift. very rare in 'dam). instead of directing us, the gentleman insisted that he call a cab for us, to pick us up. really. after a quick conversation in dutch, he gave us a warm smile and pedaled off, wishing us a happy stay. astounding...
of course, i've had a few teary bouts of homesickness, missing my friends and cat, but the transition to my new life has been surprisingly smooth.
it's reassuring to know that i'm able to start over... and always able to return to all that is familiar.
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