unstill

i feel tempted to leave
to pack everything up and disappear without a trace
to abandon everything i've been working for over the past year and a half
i get this itch more frequently than i should probably admit
it's a common pattern in my brief history
quitting just before i actually finish something
because i become consumed by doubt
swallowed whole
until i'm left trembling in its wake

here is london, giddy london, is it home of the free or what?

being in london requires a morrissey quote. really. i remember listening to the smiths exclusively the summer i spent here when i was 20. imagine a brooding girl with pale skin and short flaming red hair, sulking and stomping through the streets mouthing the lyrics to "there is a light that never goes out." really. i was a charicature of myself those days.
so, i had a brief reprise to my miami madness after returning temporarily midmarch. i felt stuck in an alternate universe from the minute i arrived. i realized that it took considerable effort to attempt to adapt to the life that had once been so natural. i believe my mother finally came to terms with the fact that i will not be living there ever again, after she watched me try to squeeze back into my old patterns.
the highlight of my return home was getting to see (and meet) jamie lidell. in faith, i had partially scheduled my trip back to coincide with a show he was playing. i had been listening to 'multiply' since last summer and had heard amazing things about his performance. nothing i had heard could prepare me for what i saw. christ. i am a sucker for performers who really enjoy being onstage, people who laugh and really commit to their art... and jamie lidell had me trembling from head to toe. i was the very front of the crowd and simply stood there for most of the show, slack-jawed and limp. he is easily the most charismatic (and talented) showman i have ever seen. the honey-sweet vocals & blue eyes don't hurt either.
the second highlight of my trip back was getting a clean bill of health. i am lucky enough to have friends who deem my cancer-free bosoms worthy of several toasts. i feel compelled to quote my dear friend johnny...
"you know how in 'a beautiful mind', the guy is a supergenius capable of doing these complex calculations in his head and creating these incredible new theories that no one has thought of before, but the flipside of that is he's got a little bit of a schizophrenic break going on? but it doesn't really matter and he still wins the nobel prize because his brain is so impressive and awe-inspiring? he just has a little cross to bear in exchange for having one of the most phenomenal brains in the world. i guess that's what it's like with your boobs." very sweet, no? exaggerated, but sweet.
i arrived in london & started at saatchi yesterday... only to fall deathly ill with a nasty stomach flu that kept me in bed, groaning, for most of the day. i can only hope that m's impending trip here shall cure me of such ailments.