anti-confidence

i'm the queen of self-loathing.
i mask it adeptly with humor and big words.
when i feel threatened, i shut off completely & a grimace comes to my face unknowingly. it makes people who don't know me think i'm an arrogant bitch.
pretty damn far from the truth.
i think m. is the only person on earth who really understands who i really am in regards to my relationships with others. i have the uncontrollable urge to take care of the people i love. he asked me for help writing a brand book for silk soy milk last night- the voice for the brand is supposed to be aimed at the nurterers of the world. he told me, "write this like you're talking to yourself." he declared, "you're the kind of person who gets more pleasure form watching people open their christmas presents than getting one yourself." he's so damn right, it's scary.
never having a real brother or sister, i've always considered my friends FAMILY. i want them to trust me, i want to make sure they're happy & comfortable & taken care of. after having almost all of the friends from my youth take advantage of my generosity and, eventually, either desert me or treat me like shit, it's easy to see why i have issues with people.
i'm not intimidating- i'm a freaking fluff ball who cries at the drop of a hat. it's the vocabulary that throws strangers off.
tuesday night i found myself in a rut at school. presenting stuff with a partner who just isn't that into me (or IT) and being scared shitless that it reflects badly upon my work, the nasty erica came out in front of the 30 person class. m. told me i stood there, arms crossed, a pissy look on my face, looking pretentious as all hell. the whole time, i was fighting back the urge to cry. as soon as i was done, i excused myself to sob quietly in the bathroom.
i never think i'm any good at anything & am always on the verge of quitting.
i don't know how to shift my perspective as all the self-love shit just sounds like hippie garbage to me.
i'm such a pain in the ass.