so a guy walks into a bar...

back in adschool. except, this time, i'm in a class that seems oddly familiar: stand-up comedy & improv. it's a requirement for all copywriters- they want us all to translate witty one-liners to award winning ads and expect all students to finish with spectacular presentation skills. i'm in dire need of both. while i'm rarely intimidated by standing in front of a group, presenting my ad concepts turns me into a fidgety introvert, shifting from foot to foot and speaking in mumbles. not quite so erudite, definitely messy.
our teacher is a copywriter/actor/gay activist who bellows in radio announcer tones and keeps everyone laughing until we're crying. he's a hard-assed perfectionist, but his criticisms are always spot-on. this is undoubtedly the hardest class i've taken so far. the amount of work is astounding and the ultimate product will be a five-minute stand-up act peformed at a local comedy club at the end of the quarter.
the first day of class, g.michael (yes, folks, that IS his name) gave us a lengthy form to fill out, asking about our prior jobs, partners, and, of course, theater experience. once he read my responses, he called me up immediately to be the first victim. i sat in front of the class for three excruciating minutes as everyone observed me and wrote down every quality they saw. every single one wrote something about my boobs. surprised, i am not. they're colossal, ridiculous, and i have enough of a complex already, folks. gee thanks.
what WAS surprising was the comment, "hormone lesbian." note: it came from a flamboyantly gay new bostonian known almost exclusively for his style sense and poses. also note: i was wearing my "teacher gear"- no jeans or combat boots here. now, everyone knows that my partner attends adschool- he's the guy you love to hate. he's won two "best in show" awards at teh end of previous quarters and always comes up with the best work. even i hate him. what i hate even more is the fact that people always gush to me about his brilliance. yawn. yes, thank you, i know he's genius. can i finish my coffee in peace?
last week's assignment for class was to write, memorize, and present a five-minute monologue in the style of letterman/leno/conan. the jokes were stolen straight from the headlines... and i sucked. not really. i was actually quite good- my set-ups are just wayyyyy too long and wordy. comedy must be quick and concise. two things i am certainly not. i AM jewish though, and that gives me an advantage. there is hope for me yet.
my performance, however, was spot on. when i finshed, g.michael didn't even look up from my script- he simply said, "well then, i guess we can all see who's been onstage before." i was well chuffed.
so start prayin' for me, as the date gets closer. let's hope i find my funny bone and can come up with more than an opening line...
(e. walks up to mike.)
"i know what you're thinking, so let's just clear the air right now. you're thinking, 'are they real?' (smirk) well, folks, i can assure you. my eyes ARE naturally green."