quiet

le boi went back to france for 2 weeks, leaving me quite quizzical in my flat. i have always lived with someone; be it a roommate, my parents, my lover. this time on my own seems indulgent, but ever so quiet.
things seem more organized without mathieu here. i find myself cleaning compulsively and trying to maintain order. somehow, this makes my small, one bedroom space appear even emptier. we haven't fully committed to decorating this place fully, as we know we won't be here past december (when we venture overseas for one of the quarter away programs our school offers). but it isn't the sparseness of my home that unnerves me now- it's the impenetrable quiet.
i have abandoned my cd collection in favor of itunes, but hate the sound of music on my laptop's meager speakers. my television is not hooked up to cable of any kind and i've watched every movie in my dvd collection at least a dozen times. there is no way to combat this silence but to talk to my cat, which only confirms my madness.
sunday night, i hung out with three high school buddies, including the girl i was infatuated with throughout my senior year. i had not seen her since i was about 19 and was trembling of the thought of seeing her. she was just so damn intimidating back in the day. besides, i had quite embarassingly kissed her shortly after graduation and we had never discussed it afterwards.
she was radiant in her typically effortless, natural grace. it made me feel contrived, in my carefully planned outfit & delicately applied eyeliner. nevertheless, we shared beers, laughed, and danced to james brown as if a mere week had passed since our last time together.
we mused about how our friends are settling down, getting married. even after two serious relationships, the idea seems bizarre to me. a long-term goal for the future, but utterly inconceivable now.i still feel sometimes that i'm the serious girl clad in black, journal by my side, ready to change the world. in truth, i'm just the homecoming queen who works at the 7-11.
i was supposed to have been one of the successful kids- and my so called achievements have somehow paled in comparisons to the weighty expectations i had placed upon myself.
high school stroked my fragile ego- and life afterwards, almost ten years later, is very different than the one i had hoped for.